Bum Crack One Shots lol
by Pepsi Dragon
Summary: Moderntype One Shots. These stories are designed to make you laugh...money back guarantee... Inlcludes stories titled: KoTitSu, The Mens Room, Gaara's Parking Ticket, MoMo and Kotetsu, Kabuto's KIY, An Akatsuki Day Out.
1. MoMo & Tiger

**MoMo and Tiger**

At Kotetsu's apartment

Kotetsu was on the Internet again, chatting up some girl over the Internet.

**Tiger:**_Will you go out with me? _

Kotetsu typed excitedly

**MoMo: **_I'd love to, how about this Saturday?_

The Internet babe replied

**Tiger:**_Yes, 7pm?_

Kotetsu grinned as the reply came on screen.

**MoMo: **_I'll meet you outside the Ichicaru Ramen place_, _Kisses 4rm MoMo xxxx_

"Whoa! Yeah!" Kotetsu screamed leaning back in his chair, "I've got a date!"

Later at Izumo's apartment

"Because I can't go do my ninja duty on Saturday…" Kotetsu announced happily from the edge of Izumo's bed, "…I got some other poor date-less sap to do it for me!"

"Cool…me too!" Izumo said, sitting at his swivelling computer chair.

"I bet she's a really fine chick! She seemed really nice over the net too, non-stop flirting man!"

"Wow…" Izumo smiled, feeling very happy for his friend, "I um…got a nice date with someone too…"

"Who?" Kotetsu asked eagerly, moving closer to the blushing Izumo.

"Well…um…I can't tell you."

"Ah…you're not sure who your dates gonna be either, do you?" Kotetsu said scratching his head.

"Yeah…" Izumo mumbled, going towards his wardrobe, "…but what do you think I should wear?"

"What!" Kotetsu laughed, "Just throw any old clothes on, she won't care…you'll look handsome in anything you wear anyway!"

Izumo paused pulling out a rather ugly multi-coloured shirt out, "You really think so?"

"Um…maybe everything…except that." Kotetsu replied as they both burst out laughing.

Outside the Ichicaru Ramen place - Saturday 6.45pm

Kotetsu had sat down on one of the Ichicaru Ramen stools and was waiting patiently for his date.

He was dressed cutely in a khaki green vest top and sexy bum-hugging black jeans.

"Hmm…" he sighed, sniffing the bunch of expensive red roses he'd bought especially for his date 'MoMo'.

He waited a very long time and kept glancing at his watch, as the sky grew darker.

"Damn it…it's 7.30…where the hell is she?" Kotetsu mumbled to himself.

"Aw…don't tell me a guy like you got stood up?" Asked Ayame, the pretty ramen girl.

"What?" Kotetsu looked at the vision of beauty before him, "Oh…um no…she's probably just late or something."

"You know…if she doesn't turn up…" She winked, "…I wouldn't mind going out with a strong and sweet man as yourself…"

"Um…" Kotetsu blushed intensely, "…thanks…"

Kotetsu was giving up all hope of meeting 'MoMo', when he suddenly caught sight of a beautiful silver haired girl, with luscious red lips in a mini skirt.

"MoMo?" He tapped her on the shoulder gently.

"Hm?" She turned around and smiled at Kotetsu, her stare was making him melt.

"Are…are you MoMo?" He asked nervously.

"Oh no!" She giggled, "But by any chance are you Tiger?"

Kotetsu was really confused, "Yes, but how did you know?"

"Oh silly!" The girl laughed again, brushing her luxurious silver hair out of her sparkling eyes, "There's a guy over there asking every girl 'Are you Tiger?'"

"A guy!" Kotetsu growled angrily, "I'm on a date with a guy!"

"Looks like it sweetie," Ayame grinned from behind the counter.

Kotetsu stepped outside the ramen stall and looked around, Genma was intensely snogging Shizune, Asuma was arm in arm with Kurenai and then there was Izumo.

"Izumo!" Kotetsu shouted, making his poor friend jump, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Um…waiting for my date…Tiger…"

An extremely huge sweat drop appeared over Kotetsu's head, "YOU WHAT!"

"…I'm waiting for…"

"YEAH! I KNOW! I'M TIGER!"

"Oh…" Izumo mumbled disappointedly, "…shit that's not good…"

Kotetsu, took in many deep breaths then asked exasperatedly, "Why is your screen name MoMo?"

"Oh…my mum always calls me that…so…" Izumo shuffled his feet uncomfortably and stared at the ground.

Kotetsu stared at his friend for a moment; he was dressed cutely in a black shirt and cream trousers.

"C'mon MoMo…lets have our date then…" Kotetsu suddenly grinned thrusting the bunch of roses in the confused Izumo's face.

"Are…are you taking the piss?" Izumo asked curiously, taking the beautiful red roses and sniffing them gently.

"I waited all this damn time dude," Kotetsu said grabbing Izumo's arm, "I'm deadly serious."

And so the two ninjas ate happily in the ramen place, taking the rip out of each other for having ended up in all this mess.

Ayame sighed heavily, as she served them their fifth bowl of ramen, "Two hot guys…gone to waste…"

"What do you mean gone to waste?" Izumo asked quietly, prodding his ramen with his chopsticks.

"Yeah! What do you mean? I didn't get stood up after all!" Kotetsu grinned cheerily, noodles dangling out of his mouth.

At Kotetsu's apartment much later that night

"You know MoMo…" Kotetsu grinned sheepishly, "Our…um…'date'…was actually quite fun wasn't it?"

"Yeah…" Izumo smiled, looking cheerily into Kotetsu's eyes, "It was top…um…Tiger."

"Ain't I supposed to get a kiss at the end of a date?" Kotetsu asked moving his face towards a startled Izumo.

"You serious?"

"I'm deadly serious…" Kotetsu mumbled, pressing his lips against Izumo's.

"Hmm!" Izumo said shocked, but then relaxed, "Hmm…hmm…"

END


	2. Gaara's Parking Ticket

Gaara's Parking Ticket 

Gaara's twenty-one years old and living good in the rich life, he's got expensive clothes, an expensive house and an expensive car. A sexy black Audi A3 to be precise.

One-day Gaara's siblings Kankuro and Temari asked Gaara to go get them a snack. 'Hyuuga's Bakery' was well known for their delicious range of buns and so Gaara decide to stop by there.

As Gaara approached his car, he noticed a bird had decided to do a little poo poo on his windscreen. Gaara looked from the tainted windscreen to the bird.

"You little piece of shit…you dare do that to MY car!" Gaara yelled at the bird. The bird flew up to a tree, chirping happily, as if mocking Gaara or saying, "Nyah! Nyah! I shit on your precious car!"

Gaara narrowed his eyes and a malicious grin spread across his face, "Heh, heh, heh…"

Gaara's sand gracefully left his trusty gourd and floated over to the bird.

"Sayonara birdie…" Gaara whispered, as the sand surrounded the squawking bird. And in the blink of an eye the bird turned into specks of blood and guts.

Gaara got a antiseptic tissue from the glove compartment and cheerily wiped the bird's poop off the windscreen whistling a sinister tune as he did so.

Hyuuga's Bakery was a pretty little shop run by Neji and Hinata, Gaara scowled when he approached it since there were no parking spaces nearby.

Gaara sighed and parked on the double yellow, clicking the locks to his Audi, so that it made a cute 'beep beep' and then he walked to the bakery, with it's pretty neon sign over the doorway.

"Hello Hinata-chan, Neji-chan." Gaara said happily upon entry.

"Oh! Hello Gaara-kun!" Hinata smiled from behind the glass counter, Gaara was one of their most popular customers, with maybe the exception of Chouji, who of course ate a lot more than the average person.

"Hi Gaara!" Neji said, with his arms in the oven, "Got some red bean buns here…fresh out of the oven!"

Gaara smiled, "Hmm…One curry bun, for Temari, one pork bun, for Kankuro…and one red bean bun for me please Hinata-chan…"

"Okay Gaara-kun!" Hinata said retrieving the buns Gaara had kindly asked for and placing then in a pretty pink pasty box.

When Hinata went over to Neji to get a red bean bun, she got one of the biggest ones for him.

"Here you go Gaara-kun." Hinata said taking some money off Gaara, as she handed him the pink box, "Enjoy!"

Gaara grinned, compassionately, rather than maliciously, "Arigato Hinata-chan, Neji-chan!"

As Gaara left the shop and made his way back to his car, he frowned, someone was standing near his car.

It was Lee, the traffic warden.

"I'm sorry sir…but I'm gonna have to give you a ticket." Lee said firmly, his bowl-cut hair jiggling as he spoke.

"Why?" Gaara asked, eyes narrowing threateningly.

"Because you're on a double yellow line, and that's not allowed." Lee replied, tapping the line with his toe.

Gaara smirked, as if amused, "Really?"

Lee's big bushy brows bent inwards on his round face, he could sense that the person in front of him was a troublemaker and wasn't just going to accept his ticket quietly.

"Yes really." Lee said, feeling rather annoyed that Gaara was toying with him.

"I don't think so…" Gaara muttered, his sand sliding out of his gourd.

"W-Wait! What are you going to do!" Lee said worriedly, his eyes widening to their fullest, making perfect 'O' shapes.

The sand loomed over Lee menacingly, like a wave coming to drown a kid on the beach.

Lee closed his eyes as the sand lunged towards him, "Oh shit!" he thought, "I'm gonna get killed on duty!"

The sand swooped down, dust flew in all directions and there was a hideous scraping sound.

Lee coughed and opened his eyes, Gaara was back in his car and signalled to drive out.

"No lines…no ticket…" Gaara mumbled, a triumphant grin on his face.

Lee watched as Gaara and his beautiful black Audi drove off into the distance.

"No lines?" Lee mumbled, clearly confused about what just happened.

Lee scratched his head and then looked down in disbelief and anger, "W-What! The double yellow line! W-Where'd it go!"

Lee frowned deeply; Gaara must have scraped the lines off with his sand. He made a mental note to get someone round to re-paint the lines later and then smiled as he went over to the bakery to buy himself a red bean bun.


	3. The Men's Room

The Men's Room 

In the men's room, Iruka can be seen whistling softly to himself, as he pees into a urinal on the wall. Genma enters, sadly muttering about a bladder infection or something.

Iruka then zipped up his trousers and went over to wash his hands.

Just as he was turning towards the hand driers, Genma shrieked, "OH NO I'M LOSING CONTROL! LOOK OUT IRUKA!"

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Iruka screamed as Genma sprayed him…er…with his 'thingy'.

"Ahhh…All done…" Genma said softly as he zipped up his trousers and went to wash his hands.

"GENMA! EW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!"

Iruka ripped off his pee sodden trousers and attempted to sit in the sink, to wash his rather nice looking legs.

"Um…Sorry…" Genma said innocently, his toothpick bobbing up and down "My bladder's gone a wee bit funny on me lately…"

"Get it checked out then!" Iruka screamed furiously, rubbing a huge blob of soap into his legs.

"I did…" Genma sighed sadly, "They gave me these awful pills…I should be better in a week or so though, so don't worry Iruka-kun!"

Iruka didn't really care less for Genma, but instead he was extremely shocked and worried for himself, he had a class in about twenty minutes and there he was with urine drenched pants and very soapy legs.

"Um…this isn't something you see everyday…" Kakashi said as he entered, the room, with his 'Icha Icha Paradise' in his hand.

"Well duh!" Iruka grumbled obviously still very irritated.

"Um…did you…wet yourself?" Kakashi turned around to hide his struggle to suppress a laugh.

"NO!" Iruka shouted, hopping off the sink and picking up his wet pants up between forefinger and thumb.

Iruka then shot a very annoyed look the puppy dog faced Genma, who was leaning casually across the sink.

Kakashi returned his face into his favourite book and undid his zipper with his other free hand, "You don't have to be ashamed…were all friends here…"

There was a silence…except for Kakashi and that peeing noise…Iruka went very red…

"GENMA PEED ON ME STUPID! I DIDN'T WET MYSELF!"

Just then Kotetsu and Izumo entered, and Kurenai who happened to be walking past, blushed as she heard Iruka's words.

"Um…are you having a party in here?" Izumo grinned, watching Iruka fling his pants into the sink and start furiously scrubbing at it.

Kotetsu however, was not as subtle and screamed with laughter, "Genma peed on you! Pfft!"

Genma smiled and played around with his toothpick, whilst Kakashi who still had his face in his book, zipped up.

"Ouch!" Kakashi said as his book dropped to the ground and he quickly pushed his 'thingy' in, away from the dodgy teeth of his zipper.

Iruka, re-soaped his trousers and rapidly massaged them in the sink, "Damn it! Class starts in five minutes!"

"Um…I can go find you some spare pants in the store cupboard…" Izumo said helpfully, as his friend Kotetsu wiped the tears from his eyes.

"Whoo…Genma…You rock!" Kotetsu said enthusiastically going over to the urinals.

Iruka nodded at Izumo and so Izumo left the men's room on a hunt for some spare pants.

Kakashi had washed his hands and was picking up his book, when Kotetsu grabbed it quickly.

"Hey…that's my limited edition copy…" Kakashi said trying to get it back.

"Hmm…no wonder you got your nuts stuck in your zipper…" Kotetsu turned pink as he flipped through the naughty book, "Heh, heh, this is good!"

Kakashi snatched the book back and put it carefully into his pocket, blushing slightly.

"Hey…Iruka…" Genma mumbled as he watched Iruka soap his pants for the seventh time, "…I'm really, really sorry about it you know…you forgive me?"

Iruka rinsed his pants and shook it furiously, sending many fat droplets flying onto Genma's face, "Of…course…I…do…"

Genma wiped the water off his face and grinned cheekily, "…besides…if this never happened, I wouldn't have gotten to see those legs of yours…"

Iruka froze and threw Genma a dirty look before shivering, "Did you spray me on purpose?" He asked through gritted teeth.

Genma threw his hands up as if Iruka was pointing a gun at him, "Hey, hey! Of course not!"

Kotetsu laughed as he patted Genma sympathetically on the shoulder, "Aww…don't blame Genma…blame his thing…it's got a mind of it's own!"

Izumo ran back into the men's room, with a sad look on his face, "I'm sorry Iruka…all I found was this…"

Iruka dropped his wet pants and staggered towards Izumo, his eyes wide open.

"What?…I can't wear that!" Iruka said as he picked up the very, very (and I mean VERY) small khaki coloured shorts from Izumo.

"Hmm…cool…hot pants…" Kakashi smirked as Iruka held them up in front of his tightie whities.

"Damn it! Damn it!" Iruka mumbled, hastily throwing the 'hot pants' on, "Class has already started!"

The other men watched in amusement as a very gay looking Iruka left the men's room.

"Yep…definitely not something you see everyday…" Kakashi mumbled, getting his book out again.

Kotetsu and Izumo were just leaving, laughing heartily to themselves when Genma placed himself in front of the urinal again mumbling, "Damned infection…"

Then everyone's eyes grew wide in horror as Genma turned and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!"

He spun out of control spraying all three of them.

"GENMAAAAAAAAAAAA!" they screamed in shock.

Genma quickly ran off and went to get spare clothes, while the three annoyed ninja's cleaned themselves up a bit.

He came back with two pairs of shorts and something else.

"Um… there were only two pairs of shorts left, they fit Kotetsu and Izumo…" Genma suddenly burst into a fit of laughter.

"What are you laughing at?" mumbled Kakashi as Izumo and Kotetsu put on their shorts.

"…Sorry Kakashi but you'll have to wear this…SKIRT!" Shouted Genma laughing insanely.

Kakashi closed his eye for a second, before grabbing Genma and ripping his pants off.

Genma's pants were a little short for him, but Kakashi didn't mind.

And so the men left the men's room, Kotetsu and Izumo looking quite sexy in their shorts, Kakashi looking like his pants had shrunk and well…Genma WAS leaving (in a skirt)…but then he needed to pee again…

!END!

O.o

I know, I know…it was really stupid…sowee!

But I hope you found it a teenie weenie bit funny at least…let me know okay?


	4. KoTitSu

Ko-Tit-Su 

The two friends, Kotetsu and Izumo were walking down the stairs at the Hokage's place, arms full of dusty old books.

"Damn that stupid Tsunade…she's so lazy!" Kotetzu scowled, shifting the heavy books in his arms, "All she ever does is drink sake, gamble and sleep."

Izumo looked at his big spiky haired friend worriedly.

"You shouldn't say that here…" Izumo warned, cocking his head slightly so his long luscious hair would get out of his eyes, "She might show up…"

"So! Who gives a shit about the old hag!" Kotetsu sneered imagining the big boobed woman.

"Kotetsu…" A strong female voice said from behind.

"Whoa!" Kotetsu screamed as he stumbled down the last couple of steps and landed with a thud at the bottom.

"Ha ha ha ha!" An annoyed Tsunade mocked the fallen young man, "Serves you right for talking about me that way!"

Tsunade walked close to Izumo, "that goes for you too," she whispered before pushing him towards Kotetsu, who had just managed to stand up amongst the mountain of books he'd dropped.

"What the!" was all Kotetsu could say before a poor Izumo, who'd flung all his books into the air, smacked into him, body on body, lips on lips.

"EW!" Kotetsu screamed, holding his slightly disorientated friend to the side.

"Ha ha ha ha!" Tsunade cackled, before disappearing up the stairs.

"Grr…" Kotetsu said, clenching a fist, "…damn old hag!"

"Forget it man…"Izumo mumbled, gathering the dusty books from the floor, "…lets just hurry and finish tidying up so we can leave earlier…"

But Kotetsu wasn't listening, he had his arms crossed and was cutely chewing on his lip, deep in thought.

Izumo had collected most of the heavy books up, only to have them smacked out of his hands again, by an excited Kotetsu.

"Heh heh…" He grinned, "I know how we can get the old hag back!"

Izumo leaned on the wall behind him, hands in his pockets, waiting for Kotetsu to announce his elaborate plan.

Kotetsu made a few hand seals, before closing his eyes and saying, "Henge!"

Izumo coughed and wafted away the smoke that Kotetsu had made and then stood shocked, as Tsunade lunged forwards and squealed, "Ooh Izumo…kiss me baby!"

Izumo went bright pink and closed his eyes.

"What? You really expecting a kiss?" Kotetsu laughed.

"That was you?" Izumo said in disbelief, before laughing adorably, "Damn it man, you totally freaked me out then!"

Kotetsu transformed back into Tsunade again and then said cheekily, "This is how were gonna get revenge man!"

"But…Kotetsu…" Izumo mumbled, staring at Kotetsu's large cleavage.

The fake Tsunade, leaned close to the embarrassed Izumo, "Hmm…just call me Ko-Tit-Su…"

The two ninjas laughed hysterically, and then both poked the Kotetsu's Tsunade boobs, before breaking out in more laughter.

Kotetsu and Izumo left the Hokage's place, as themselves, but once in an alleyway, Kotetsu transformed into Tsunade and Izumo transformed into Shizune.

"Why do I have to do this?" Izumo protested, feeling awkward looking like a woman.

"Duh! 'Cause if Tsunade is seen wandering around with you, it looks a bit suspicious," Kotetsu pointed out, "but if you're Shizune, then everything is cool with the world, yeah?"

"Fine, whatever…" Izumo mumbled, envying Kotetsu's bigger boobs.

The Tsunade and Shizune counterfeits walked around Konoha for a bit, not finding anyone interesting to trick, but then a large white haired man showed up and Kotetsu rubbed his hands together, "Heh, heh…our first victim…"

Jiraiya had a bottle of sake in his hand and was humming to himself cheerily, "Hello ladies!" he chirped.

Kotetsu grinned at Jiraiah, before striking a sexy feminine pose.

"Whoa…ha ha!" Jiraiya exclaimed before regaining his composure and calmly stating, "Old women are gross…"

A vein began furiously pulsating in the corner of Kotetsu's head, "Who are you calling old woman!"

Izumo grabbed Kotetsu by the shoulders, "Um…Tsunade, control yourself…"

Kotetsu smiled weakly at the confused Jiraiya, "Would you join us for lunch?"

"What? You're not gonna try hit me?" Jiraiya scratched his head before happily saying, "Yeah, but you're paying!"

Jiraiya, Kotetsu and Shizune went and sat in a posh restaurant, they'd all ordered their food and were waiting for it to arrive when Kotetsu pulled a pair of dice out and placed it before Jiraiya.

"Huh?" Jiraiya looked curiously at the strangely cute Tsunade, "What's that for?"

"I want to play some games, that's all…" Kotetsu said airily attempting to flick his hair in a girly fashion, but also whip lashing Izumo in the process.

"Fine, fine…" Jiraiya said confidently, since he knew Tsunade was a legendary sucker and was always losing, "Evens, please."

Kotetsu shook the dice in an empty bowl and then slammed it upside down on the wooden table. "Place your bet then." Kotetsu told the grinning old man before him.

Jiraiya chucked and entire pouch full of coins onto the table, "I just hope you'll have enough money left to treat me to dinner," he chuckled cockily.

Kotetsu removed the bowl to reveal the dice showing a six and a three, "Odds, you lose," Kotetsu said taking Jiraiya's pouch and handing it to a giggling Izumo.

"Whaaaaaaat?" Jiraiya screamed, "But you always lose!"

"Not this time," Kotetsu grinned shaking the dice again.

Jiraiya played on in complete and utter disbelief as the Tsunade before him won the entire contents of his wallet.

"Damn it," Jiraiya sulked, as he ate his food, "This has never happened before…I'll get some more money…and then ha ha! You are gonna give me back all my money and more!"

"We'll see…" smirked Kotetsu, as he paid for the bill and left the perplexed Jiraiya staring at his empty wallet.

As soon as they were out of the restaurant, Kotetsu and Izumo ran round the corner and into another alleyway.

"Whoa yeaaah!" Kotetsu whispered as he counted the money they'd won of the old geezer.

Izumo was smiling, but was still a little worried, "Do you think were gonna get done?"

"Nah…we're just putting our ninja skills into action, it's just a little fun…and besides look at the cash we just won!" Sniggered Kotetsu, shoving all the money into his pocket.

"Hmm…now who should we mess with?" Kotetsu wondered looking around, as they stepped back into the open.

Suddenly a very happy Kabuto was running towards them.

"What the!" Kotetsu screamed, as Kabuto thrust a bunch of roses in to his face.

"Tsunade-sama…" He said with big hearts in his eyes, "I've left Orochimaru…because I've realised that old snake men…don't turn me on as much as pretty old women.

Kotetsu glared at Kabuto for a moment and then smacked the roses into his face.

"What…you don't like them?" Kabuto mumbled sadly, as Izumo laughed quietly behind a fuming Kotetsu.

"Ew!" Kotetsu screamed, "You are such a freak! Go find someone your own age!"

Kabuto held the messed up the roses in his hand for a second before walking away muttering, "Orochimaru was right…you are a tight old cow…"

Kotetsu was about to go and kick Kabuto up the ass, but Izumo firmly held him back muttering, "Tsunade! Stop it!"

Kotetsu calmed down and scanned the area again.

"Heh, heh, look it's Ebisu…and he's just as much a pervert as Jiraiya!" Kotetsu said excitedly.

They followed a cheery Ebisu to the bookstand and watched as he started picking some very naughty books out.

Ebisu looked around cautiously to make sure no one was looking and then he grinned lewdly at the contents of the books.

"What're we gonna do with him?" Izumo asked curiously.

Kotetsu grinned mischievously, "Lets just make him squirm!"

The two fakes walked over to the shocked Ebisu who quickly threw the naughty books back onto the shelf, "Um…um…it's not what you think!" He mumbled turning pink.

"Oh…that's okay Ebisu-kun…" Kotetsu said in a very slow and seductive voice, "I like those books too…"

"Huh?" Ebisu stammered, backing into the bookshelf and really freaking out.

Kotetsu leaned very closely to Ebisu, so that Tsunade's cleavage was practically in his face and then whispered, "I want you Ebisu…"

A HUGE nose bleed erupted from Ebisu's nostrils and he ran away screaming, mega freaked out.

Kotetsu and Izumo laughed their heads off.

"Damn you were scary!" Izumo admitted as they walked back into Konoha's centre.

"Hey, look ain't that Genma?" Izumo said, nudging Kotetsu.

"Yeah…but how could we have fun with him? He's boring!" Kotetsu mumbled turning away.

The fake Tsunade and Shizune were standing outside the ramen stall, wondering who the hell their next victim should be, when suddenly 'boring' Genma grabbed Izumo's face.

"What the?" Izumo said pulling at the hands, which were coving his eyes.

"Guess who?" Genma giggled, before spinning the shocked Izumo round and kissing him lovingly.

"Oi! Gedoff!" Kotetsu screamed hauling a puzzled Genma off his friend mid-kiss.

"Huh? What's wrong Hokage-sama?" Genma asked, the toothpick in his mouth waving up and down.

"Duh! You just kissed him," Kotetsu snarled, glancing over at a dumbstruck Shizune, "I mean, her."

"And what's wrong with that? Shizune and I have been going out for quite a while now and I was just…"

"You just kissed her in public!" Kotetsu screamed, racking his brains for a suitable excuse to yell at the confused Genma, "…Public displays of affection are not suitable for this time of day! Um, children could be watching!"

Genma frowned and sucked on his toothpick for a moment, "I'm sorry Hokage-sama, it won't happen again."

Genma slapped the Shizune counterfeit playfully on the butt and winked, before disappearing over the rooftops.

"Man that was close…" Kotetsu sighed, patting Izumo on the back, "Izumo?"

The Izumo in the shape of Shizune was frozen; he didn't blink or even move.

"Hey Izumo!" Kotetsu whispered urgently, "Snap out of it okay? People are starting to stare."

Kotetsu snapped his fingers and Izumo snapped out of his daze,

"Damn it…that freak kissed me…" he mumbled angrily, "He put his gross wet lips in MY face!"

"Okay, calm down dude, it's over…" Kotetsu said patting the fuming Izumo gently, "…Genma's gone now."

Kakashi, had been wandering by, his face absorbed into his favourite 'Icha Icha Paradise' book, when he overheard Tsunade and Shizune's unusual conversation.

The use of the words "freak" and "dude" especially caught Kakashi's attention.

"Ohio Hokage-sama, Shizune." Kakashi said cheerily as he sat down on a stool at the ramen stall, nearly giving Kotetsu and Izumo a heart attack.

"Um…Ohio Kakashi sensei…" replied Kotetsu/Tsunade stiffly.

"Kakashi sensei…" mumbled Izumo/Shizune, a bit pink in the face.

"Care to join me in eating ramen?" Kakashi grinned, removing his mask to reveal his sharingan eye.

"Um…no were kinda…"

"Busted?" Kakashi asked, his sharingan eye having exposed the two ninja's for who they really were, "Kotetsu…Izumo…please join me"

Kotetsu and Izumo looked at each other worriedly, before sitting down on either side of the cheery Kakashi.

"You won't tell anyone will you?" Izumo asked, thinking that Tsunade would probably kill them if she found out.

"No…" Kakashi smiled and starting tucking in to his ramen.

"Oh, thank God…Kakashi sensei you're the greatest!" Kotetsu said patting Kakashi on the back, almost making him choke.

The ninja's transformed back into themselves and enjoyed their ramen, until Kakashi reached out and grabbed them both by the shoulders, "I won't tell on you if you do me a favour okay?"

"What kind of favour?" asked Izumo curiously, whilst Kotetsu just said, "Of course, you name it!"

"I want you both to transform into me…and run a few errands that's all…"

"You?"

"Errands?"

About half an hour later, a miserable Izumo disguised as Kakashi was being challenged by Gai sensei, to do about ten million stupid things.

Including playing rock, paper, scissors at which Izumo kept on losing and Gai flashed his blinding sparkly teeth many times after victory.

Eating as many rice buns as possible was another challenge, at which Izumo miserably failed, having thrown up rather violently after his thirtieth bun.

One challenge, which Izumo was great at though, was playing on a dance mat, the girls crowded round in Oohs and Aahs and Izumo was on a roll, whilst Gai sensei pretty much sucked.

Kotetsu however, was disguised as Kakashi and was with Tsunade-sama, ready to give her a foot massage, because Kakashi had miraculously lost a bet to her.

Kotetsu frowned at the sight of her wrinkly toes, sighed disapprovingly and then reached for some aromatherapy oils.

Kotetsu mumbled sadly, "How did I lose to you again?" as he massaged the oil between each toe.

Tsunade laughed slyly and settled her gaze on Kotetsu/Kakashi, "Remember…you bet I that I couldn't ever beat anyone at gambling…and then Jiraiya came along and told you that he'd been beaten by ME so…"

Kotetsu frowned deeply, it wasn't Tsunade that had beaten him, it was HE himself!

Kotetsu massaged her toes for a good long ten minutes and he swore to burn his hands off later, but inside his mind he was quickly plotting for another way to get revenge…


	5. Kabuto's KIY

Kabuto's KIY Store 

Kabuto had long since left Orochimaru and was presently running his own special KIY (Kill It Yourself) store. Many ninja's came in every now and then to purchase, kunais, shuriken and other deadly ninja weapons.

One of those glorious little days, Kabuto was sitting behind his wooden counter, reading 'Ninja World Gossip' magazine, when some of his usual customers popped in.

"Ohayo Kakashi-sama, Iruka-sama" Kabuto chimed as the two ninja's entered the store. Kabuto added 'sama' to everyone's name, must be a side effect from being with Orochimaru so long.

"Ohayo!" The two ninja replied, excitedly rushing through the little aisles of shelves. Iruka looked the most excited, he browsed the whip section for quite a while before saying to Kakashi, "Oh! This one looks good!"

Kakashi and Iruka walked giddily over to the counter with a long back leather whip and Kabuto stared at them curiously.

"Planning something special?" Kabuto asked cheerily.

"Oh yes!" Iruka replied happily and then flashing a naughty look at Kakashi, he added, "Something very special!"

Kakashi's eye went into an upside-down 'U' shape and he giggled awkwardly.

"Ahh…would you be interested in these fluffy pink handcuffs and candy kunais too then?" Kabuto asked suggestively.

Iruka's eyes widened, "Oh hell yeah! That stuff looks like fun!"

Kakashi eyed the items warily and then shot a look at Kabuto as if to say, "Thanks a lot pal, now I'm in deep shit."

Kabuto laughed nervously and then watched as Kakashi and Iruka left. Iruka clutching the bag of new items eagerly, the way a child would hold new toys and Kakashi patting Iruka on the butt whispering, "Calm down…or you'll hurt yourself!"

The next customer's that Kabuto had was a very distressed looking Shikamaru. He came in and didn't waste any time in picking up a few sets of kunais.

"Pink kunais?" Kabuto asked the frowning Shikamaru.

Shikamaru scratched his head and muttered, "They're for Temari."

"Ah…I see" Kabuto said putting the bright pink objects into a bag for him.

"You know…women are so troublesome…" Shikamaru grumbled, "I told her pink stands out too much…and the enemy will easily be able to see the kunai and dodge it…"

Kabuto smiled and leaned on the counter, listening with great interest.

"She said that pink is 'pretty' and y'know 'cause these are scented kunais…strawberry scented or something…she say's after you've stabbed your enemy with them…they'll smell 'nice and sweet', even if they're rotting away…" Shikamaru ranted on.

"Hmm…" Kabuto nodded, pushing his glasses up a bit.

"Women!" Shikamaru sighed heavily whilst leaving through the shop door, "So damn troublesome and so damn illogical!"

Kabuto went back to his magazine again and started reading about a ninja's top five tips to kill an enemy. There were some pretty gory pictures along side it and he grinned at the sight of it, looking at such things reminded him of the days when he worked with Orochimaru.

"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Kabuto heard a cold voice mumble.

"Ohayo Sasuke-sama!" Kabuto said to the customer.

"I've got to get supplies…Got to kill brother…DIE! DIE! DIE!" Sasuke muttered to himself as he grabbed an armful of kunais and shuriken.

"Hmm…hasn't changed a bit…" Kabuto thought to himself as he turned his attention back to his magazine.

Sasuke could be heard mumbling, "DIE! DIE! DIE!" like some sort of cult chant, when suddenly he screamed, "ITACHI DIE!"

Kabuto looked up in time to see a purple lavender scented kunai whiz past and towards the door.

"Excuse me Sasuke-sama…" Kabuto said quietly, "No trying out the goods until they're paid for."

Itachi was standing in the doorway, having caught the purple kunai, he was now cheerily sniffing it, "Hmm…that's nice, I'll have to get some of these!"

Sasuke growled angrily and flung many other kunai at his older brother and Itachi in turn caught each one.

"Hmm…lemony…roses…strawberry, Oh I love strawberries!" Itachi said happily gathering all the flying kunais.

"NO TRYING OUT THE GOODS UNTIL THEY'RE PAID FOR!" Kabuto yelled from behind the counter, as Sasuke reloaded himself with and armful of other assorted smelling kunais.

"Grr…" Sasuke grumbled as he quickly ran over to the counter and emptied his wallet. Itachi however had made his way to the kunai shelves and was cooing in delight as he sniffed every different magical scent.

"Oh wow! Coconut, that's really nice!" Itachi said, waving a white kunai in the air.

"DIE! DIE! ITACHI DIE!" Sasuke screamed, with his just paid for, bag of kunais.

Itachi sighed and caught every kunai yet again, "Hmm…foolish little brother…you're giving me all these kunais! What luck! I won't have to buy anything myself!"

Sasuke panted as he'd thrown all his kunais, "DAMN YOU ITACHI!"

Sasuke glared, as Itachi just laughed with an armful of kunais and left the shop.

"Yep…hasn't changed a bit!" Kabuto muttered sadly, as an empty handed, penniless Sasuke left the shop muttering, "DIE! DIE! DIE!" chasing after his happy brother.

"Hmm…mission blunders…" Kabuto mumbled as he read about a ninja who accidentally got a kunai shoved up his ass in battle.

Kabuto was laughing quietly to himself, when Orochimaru entered.

"O-Orochimaru-sama?" Kabuto said immediately, blinking furiously as if to check if he was seeing things.

"K-Kabuto-kun…" He mumbled sadly, making his way over to the counter.

"Orochimaru-sama…are you okay?" Kabuto asked, quickly going to his old masters side.

"Oh Kabuto-kun!" He wailed, leaning over the counter, his hair covering his face, " I missed you so much…I-I can't live without you! I cant eat…I can't sleep…I'm miserable!"

Kabuto touched Orochimaru gently on the shoulder, it sounded like he was crying.

"Orochimaru-sama?" Kabuto asked worriedly, "I-I…Is there anything I can do for you?"

"C-Come back and work with me!" He said sorrowfully.

"You know I can't do that…I love this shop, this shop is my life now…" Kabuto replied sadly.

Straightening up and looking Kabuto in the eye Orochimaru mumbled, "Well…You could give me some free supplies instead and I'll feel a lot happier…"

Kabuto pushed his glasses back up his nose, "Free supplies? Of course…anything for you Orochimaru-sama!"

Orochimaru grinned, one of those huge freakish wide mouthed grins and grabbed as many items as he could. Kabuto put all the items into bags, two bags, three bags…ten bags.

"Oh yeah…and throw in some fluffy handcuffs!" Orochimaru said, now having completely recovered from his state of supposed depression.

Kabuto watched as Orochimaru left the shops with an armful of freebies and sighed. Kabuto turned back to his magazine again and grumbled, "That's the third time he's done that!"


	6. An Akatsuki Day Out

An Akatsuki Day Out 

"Are we there yet?" Sasori grumbled, from in between Zetsu and Deidara, "I need to pee."

Itachi frowned, the window of the Yellow Volkswagen Beetle was open and a nice breeze was coming in, but the sun was still roasting him like a chicken.

"Nearly, there…" Kisame said from behind the wheel, squinting ahead at a road sign, "…just hold it in, we'll be there in about ten minutes."

Zetsu and Deidara looked nervously past Sasori at each other and sweat dropped; Sasori was not the type to 'just hold it in'.

Twenty minutes later, after Kisame had parked the car and a very agitated Sasori had ran off to the toilets to pee, they were all set. Itachi put on a cool pair of blue tinted sunglasses and Kisame put on his giant straw hat.

Zetsu leaned his hand on the car and then quickly brought it close to his body again, "YAOW! HOT!"

Deidara laughed, Zetsu frowned and Sasori came back from the toilets looking much happier than before.

"Okay…everyone here…" Kisame said happily from under his straw hat, "Let's go have some fun!"

The five Akatsuki members wandered into the theme park and the sun glared down on them from above.

"Itachi! Ooh Look! Bumper Cars!" Kisame squealed, dragging Itachi to one side.

Itachi frowned and said a sarcastic, "Yay."

Zetsu and Deidara were following Kisame towards the bumper cars, when they realised that Sasori had vanished.

"Oh, well…" Deidara said cheerfully, "He's a big boy, he'll be fine!"

Zetsu nodded and joined the queue with Kisame and Itachi.

Meanwhile Sasori was at the candyfloss stall.

"Ooh! Yes I love candyfloss!" He said excitedly to the pretty girl who was serving him.

"Then I'll have to give you an extra large one!" The girl giggled.

Sasori ate the fluffy pink stuff in one bite and continued to chat up the girl, "Y'know…the sting on this scorpion tail is poisonous."

"Oh wow!" The girl said, "You can kill people with your ass!"

"Heh…yeah…I can do lot's of other things with my ass too…"

Itachi was already getting a headache, Kisame's bumper car had hit him like twenty times now and his sunglasses were knocked askew.

"Kisame…" Itachi mumbled, as Kisame's little car turned in on him again, "You are so gonna get it."

"Really?" Kisame chuckled, thoroughly enjoying himself.

"Oi! Itachi watch out!" Zetsu laughed, as he rammed Itachi's other side.

"Grr…" Itachi grumbled, his knuckles tightening around the steering wheel.

"Whoo! Itachi!" Deidara giggled as he rammed into Itachi's other side.

"That's it…" Itachi said through gritted teeth.

Itachi then sped up past all off his irritating comrades and came up behind them; they turned around and looked curiously.

"Mangekyo sharingan!" Itachi yelled, grinning as the three in front of him froze for a second.

After getting off the ride, Deidara rubbed his head; he could hear ringing, "Wow…Itachi, you must have hit me like a hundred times!"

"Yeah…he hit me too!" Kisame said smiling faintly.

"Hmm…Me as well…" Zetsu mumbled seeing stars in front of his eyes.

Itachi grinned, he hadn't done anything, his mangekyo sharingan had done all the work, making his friends _think_ that he'd bumped into them a hundred times.

Deidara eyed the ghost train hungrily, "Who's up for some fear, eh?"

Itachi sighed, "I'm not afraid of anything."

The four ninja sat on the ride, Kisame sat with Itachi and Zetsu sat with Deidara.

"Don't you feel a bit stupid?" Zetsu asked, as he strapped himself into the two-seater ghoul ride.

"Why?" Deidara asked, oblivious to the children in the queue laughing at the two grown men squashed in the ride.

"I…dunno…just ca-AIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Zetsu screamed as the ride started with a sudden jerk.

They lunged forwards into darkness and turned corners rapidly.

"Damn it, this ride is rough!" Zetsu grumbled, as Deidara's shoulder dug deeper into his at every turn.

"Ow…" Deidara responded, as another jerk sent his head smacking into Zetsu's.

"This is lame…" Itachi whined as his and Kisame's ghost cart shot frighteningly over a steep track.

Itachi's hair was beautifully blowing backwards from the force of the ride and the special effects lights gave Itachi a gorgeously eerie glow.

"Hmm…Itachi-kun…" Kisame whispered licking his lips, "…you look nice today…"

Itachi grinned, as they went over a few more steep dips, "I thought I looked nice _everyday_."

After the ride had ended, Zetsu and Deidara were looking a bit pale. Zetsu's face was already naturally half white, but now his black side had turned white to match.

"Oh my God…" Deidara mumbled, holding onto the ghostly looking Zetsu, "…that was so s-scary!"

"Hn…Had fun I guess?" Kisame grinned, bearing all those vicious layers of shark fangs.

Zetsu shook his head, making the black colour return to half of his face, "Yeah…was great…"

Deidara and Zetsu were wrapped around each other for support, but it looked like they were hugging.

"Aww…you look so cute together!" Itachi smirked, as the two embarrassed ninja sprang apart.

Kisame, shifted his sunhat at an angle, "Where's Sasori?"

"Oh he disappeared from the start…" Zetsu mumbled.

"Disappeared!" Kisame yelled, his hat falling off, "SASORI! SASORI! Oh no, the little baby's missing! OH NOOOOO!"

"Calm down Kisame-kun…" Itachi said, grabbing the flailing shark man on the shoulder, "…Sasori will be fine…he's older then you remember?"

"Oh yeah!" Kisame said happily picking up his hat, as everyone else sweat dropped and Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Ooh look! A roller coaster!" Deidara squealed as they approached a massive blue and silver structure.

"Hmm…sends icy shivers up and down you as you are blasted up into space and back…interesting…" Itachi mumbled reading the sign.

Kisame stared at the monstrous ride and smiled weakly, "Um…you sure you guys wanna go on that?"

Zetsu grinned, "Why? You scared?"

"Tch…says the guy who found the ghost train scary!" Itachi said patting Kisame on the shoulder.

"Hey! It was dark in there!" Zetsu and Deidara protested.

As the four ninjas queued up for the ride, Kisame gulped seriously wondering whether he should just run away and go on something safe such as the carousel…or the teacup ride.

Itachi squeezed Kisame's shoulder, as an assistant helped strap them all in.

"I-Itachi…" Kisame croaked, "…I-I…"

"Yes?" Itachi asked softly, as the ride assistant went back into his little hut to activate the ride.

"I-I I'm…" Kisame mumbled, but then the ride thrust them twenty metres into the air, "SCARED OF HEIGHTS!"

"YAAAAARGH!" Zetsu screamed happily, as the wind made his face jiggle strangely.

"OH ITACHI! HELP!" Kisame bawled as the ride did loop-de-loops and swift heart-stopping dives.

"ITACHI! ITACHI! ITACHI!"

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!" Itachi managed to say as the ride plummeted them vertically towards the earth.

"I-I….YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" was all Kisame could say.

Zetsu and Deidara could be heard somewhere behind them, giggling in the most psychotic way.

However, no sooner than the ride had started, it ended.

"Whoo! That was TOP!" Deidara shrieked, as he left the steel monster with a chuckling Zetsu.

"I-Itachi…" Kisame mumbled, as Itachi left the ride.

Itachi turned around and surveyed the shocked and unmoving shark man, "What's wrong?"

"I-I…come closer Itachi-kun…" Kisame whispered, his eyes staring blankly ahead.

"Yes? What is it?" Itachi asked pressing his ear near Kisame's trembling lips.

"I-I…Oh Itachi…" Kisame mumbled stupidly.

"Yes!" Itachi repeated feeling a little irritated.

"I-I…um…think I wet myself…"

Itachi sweat dropped and sighed.

Ten minutes later, Itachi and Kisame left the men's toilets to meet a hysterically giggling Zetsu and Deidara.

"Y-You wet yourself!" Deidara laughed, holding Zetsu's shoulder for support, "Haha Y-You…"

"Shut up." Itachi said staring Zetsu in the eye.

"I-I can't haha so haha funny!" Zetsu screamed, slapping his thigh simultaneously.

Kisame shrunk into the shadows, wishing the ground would swallow him up. He looked normal on the outside, dressed up in his usual Akatsuki black and red cloud cape, but he'd had to completely remove his underwear and pants since they were soaking wet.

Itachi's eyes narrowed dangerously and he slid his sunglasses up onto his head like a hair band, "Mangekyo sharingan!"

Zetsu gulped and blushed furiously, "N-No! No!"

"What's wrong?" Deidara asked, his grin fading away.

"I-I…I saw myself…I felt myself…wetting myself a hundred times!" Zetsu mumbled awkwardly as Deidara burst out laughing.

Turning his attention to Kisame, "You okay?" he asked kindly.

"Um…yeah…" Kisame forced a smile, "it's a bit breezy down there though…"

Itachi grinned and grabbed Kisame by the shoulder, "lets go on that ride next eh?"

Kisame's eyes widened excitedly, "Ooh yay!"

Sasori moaned as another child hurled a ball at him, "Damn it! How did this happen?" he asked himself.

Flashback 

_Sasori chatting up the candy floss girl, "Would you like to go out with me sometime?" _

"_Hmm…maybe," She replies cutely, "…if you volunteer to help out at one of the stalls!"_

"_Of course!" Sasori says happily._

_End Flashback_

"Damn it, I'm stupid." Sasori grumbled as another ball whizzed past his head.

He was perched glumly in a seat over a small dunk tank, as many children threw balls at a target near his head to dunk him and win a prize.

"Ooh! Mummy I'm gonna win that prize!" A little pigtailed girl squealed.

"Huh! You can try…but no ones managed to dunk me yet!" Sasori said mockingly.

"Oh yeah!" The little girl said, pulling the ball back and aiming carefully at the target.

"Come and get me!" Sasori yelled cheekily, pulling a face.

"Yah!" The little girl giggled as the ball hurtled into Sasori's privates and sent him hurtling into the tank.

"Ow…" grumbled Sasori from the tank, clutching his pained area as the little girl screamed, "Yay! I dunked him! I dunked him!"

Meanwhile, Kisame was grinning happily as he and Itachi hopped into their next ride.

"Oh Itachi! This will be the funnest ride ever!" Kisame cooed.

"Hmm? 'funnest' isn't a real word Kisame." Itachi said cheerily.

"This is stupid." Deidara mumbled as he and Zetsu climbed aboard their two-seater car.

"Hmm…makes us look stupid!" Zetsu agreed.

Kisame was happily beaming from his seat; the tunnel of love ride was starting. The ninjas sat in pretty swan shaped cars and everything on the ride was pink, or white…or just very glittery and pretty.

"Hmm…Itachi-kun…" Kisame mumbled as he closed his eyes and leaned on Itachi's shoulders.

Itachi grinned, "This is a pretty ride isn't it?"

"Hmm…pretty like you." Kisame replied as the two ninjas locked their lips together.

Zetsu and Deidara however, were not enjoying the ride as much as the other two.

"This really sucks!" Zetsu grumbled, folding his arms as the ride led them through a pink and glittery tunnel.

"Hmpf! This ride is for saps!" Deidara agreed.

After the ride was over, Kisame emerged immensely happy and Itachi still calm and cool, but slightly blushing.

"That ride was so SHIT!" Zetsu yelled as he came out of the ride.

"MEGA SHIT!" Deidara grumbled.

"Oh really?" Said Itachi grinning as he looked over their shoulders.

"Hmm…looks like you _did_ have fun!" Kisame chimed happily as Zetsu and Deidara turned to face the stall behind them labelled photos.

"It's not what you think!" Deidara yelled, shaking his head violently.

"I-I um…oops!" Zetsu mumbled, the white side of his face turning a rosy pink.

Kisame and Itachi laughed as Deidara blushed too. The ride had taken photos of Zetsu and Deidara at the height of passion in a very steamy kiss. Itachi grinned, there was another photo, one of Kisame and Itachi making out.

"Hmm…I think I'll buy those photos as souvenirs, eh?" Kisame said happily as he went over to the stand, whilst Deidara was awkwardly mumbling about it being an accident.

"Oh THERE you ARE!" Sasori yelled exasperatedly as he ran up to the Akatsuki gang, "I've been looking everywhere for you!"

"Hmm?" Itachi said, dreamily staring at the photos Kisame had bought.

"Why are you wet?" Zetsu asked giggling, "Did you _wet_ yourself!"

Sasori frowned, "No…I got dunked, long story, never mind, but…" the photos caught his eye, "Ooh! You looked like you had fun!"

The other four blushed.

"Time to go home, eh?" Itachi said tenderly, "I think our leader still wants that Kyuubi."

"NO WAY!" Sasori yelled flinging his arms around the others, "I haven't been on _that_ yet!"

Kisame turned pale, Deidara and Zetsu smiled excitedly and Itachi sighed as they all headed back towards the roller coaster ride.

"Don't worry Kisame…" Itachi whispered to his worried friend, "…you're out of pee ain'tcha? So you won't leak, eh?"

Kisame smiled weakly as he sat on the ride again and didn't tell Itachi about the gallon of Pepsi he'd drank this morning.

oOoOo END oOoOo


End file.
